About Sean Hoade: TMI, but WTF, YLOO

So what do we talk about when we talk about Hoade?

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Photo courtesy of Yog-Sothoth.

Is it true that this “Sean Hoade” is a writer? Like fiction, or stereo instructions, or what?

Excellent question, rhetorical device person! Monsieur Hoade, as he is called in restaurants he cannot afford, is in fact the writer of novels, short stories, and irritating limericks, as well as twee website Q&A constructs.

Señor Hoade, as he is called in Miami, started his writing career at age 10, with a three-page screenplay addressing the hot-button social issue of time travel. Like a butterfly within a chrysalis, he has six legs develops within a cocoon of books and cats, and has so far written novels about a murderous RV salesman, about Charles Darwin on the Beagle, and about Lovecraftian monsters attacking an Edwardian household in England. (You know, the same old, same old.) He also writes about zombies, because ZOMBIES.

What’s the South Florida connection? Why does he open himself up to be hurt every year by the Miami Dolphins?

Signor Hoade, as he is called by the College of Cardinals in Rome, was born in Miami in 1969. His mother’s OB/GYN was said to be Don Shula (who was trying to make ends meet during the off-season), although that might be apocryphal or just a lie by Hoade. He grew up (to the extent that he did) in Margate, Florida, well known as “not as bad as North Lauderdale” and the sister city of Margate, England. In the 1980s there was an exchange program between the two cities, in which American students got to go to the exciting British vacation stop on the sea, and in which British students got to come to “the Gateway to Coconut Creek.”

Margate: Come for the murky canal water, stay for whatever the fuck this is.

Was he, despite all the evidence to the contrary, educated in some way?

Hoade-ji Sahab, as he is called by his army of Indian sycophants, was the prize of Coconut Creek Elementary, the tolerated of Margate Middle, and the scourge of both Coconut Creek High and, to CCHS’s relief, later Boyd Anderson High School in Lauderdale Lakes, where the students are referred to as “pre-inmates.” He majored in Philosophy and minored in Cognitive Science at Indiana University South Bend (nickname: “The Fightin’ Single Mothers and Retirees Going Back to School after 38 Years at the Cardboard Box Factory”). Not satisfied with the social status and high salary associated with a Philosophy degree, he then got his Masters of Fine Arts in Fiction at the University of Alabama. He then taught at UA for another 3½ years until his unceremonious firing for (no joke) offending the religious sensibilities of a frickin’ idiot one of his alleged “Honors” students.

Is it true that writing and editing are the only work that suits him? In fact, the only thing he’s ever been able to do well and consistently at a professional or, indeed, human level?

Hoade-san, as the bouncers at Club Sake refer to him on their “No Longer Welcome” list, admits this it true. Writing is what he is trained to do and loves to do by nature.
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Okay, there may be other work he’d technically qualify for.

Wow. So writing is it, huh? Dang.

Mr. Hoade, as he is known in bankruptcy courts throughout our fair land, is proud of being unable to do anything else his commitment to his writing career. As the novelist Thomas Williams told his fiction students (including Alice McDermott, who shared the anecdote) when they asked about the writing life: “If you can do anything else, kids, do it.” Hoade feels that he has truly tested that advice, and it is now stunningly obvious to allies and enemies alike that he cannot, in fact, do anything else.

At age 46-looking-right-at-47, Hoade no longer denies that writing is his destiny. It is the only thing he can do, and the only thing he wants to do.

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The critical response to his early newspaper work was … mixed.

All right, whatever. What kind of family does this joker claim?

Al-Hoadedi, as he is known at the Circle K, was previously married when barely out of high school, and from that starter marriage had three lovely daughters: Kylara, 25, who is the mother of Wonder-Grandchild Leon, 5; Ginger, 22, whose intellect is almost as fearsome as her gorgeousness; and Alice, 30, the world’s #1 fan of One Direction, which is apparently a five four-boy singing group with the ability to take over teenage girls’ brains. He also has a fantastic sister, Shari (age none of anyone’s bidness), who is married to a mysterious sports fan named Rob.

Pics of these people or they didn’t happen.

Fine! You don’t scare me. Here’s a pic of my sis and me, one of me and my unholy offspring at Ginger’s 2012 high school graduation, and one of little ol’ me:

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Best sister in the world even before I had my magical beard powers to use on her.

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Anything else we need to know?

Hoade Sean, as he is known at his favorite Chinese opium dens, just wants people to know that he will be living 2015 as the first year of his life’s Second Act, F. Scott be damned. He hopes you’ll follow his blog, think about maybe buying his books, become his acolyte or friend on Facebook, and follow him on Twitter, where he’s @SeanHoade.

UZB7bOSAnd also on Tumblr, where he’s mostly just confused.

Okay, wait, one last thing: What’s with all the zombie and Lovecraft stuff?

edaoH naeS, as he is known by Merlin the Magician, finds the existential quandaries posed by the zombie concept endlessly fascinating. Also, zombies are scary. You could ask the same question about his Lovecraft fixation, and he would say (indeed, is saying) that the Old Gent from Providence investigated mind-blowing ontological and metaphysical questions unlike anyone before him. Also, his stuff is scary as shit.

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